It has been so long...
So long since ...
I had a moment to think...
A moment to reflect...
Time to savor.
So long since...
I have felt like I was moving forward
I wasn't overwhelmed
The house was clean
So long since...
I didn't have a list
I checked things off my list
I felt in control...
And Lord knows this is hard for me.
I am in dissertation now ...
But it feels as though I am at the bottom of Mount Everest.
The mountain looms in front of me, but I cannot move.
I need a site for my study,
It's a good study but I need a site.
I am at a new job, a different university...
It's a good university but new is hard.
I am new to them,
They are new to me,
And I long for the comfort of familiar surroundings.
I push far too hard for perfection,
So much so that missing the mark has me discouraged.
Leaving me to question everything...
And somewhere on the outskirts of my life is me,
The daughter, the wife, the mother with children and grand children.
Who is absent.
There is no reasonable way to rationalize this.
Absent from their lives to attend to the lives and needs of others,
Absent to attend to work, and to address things that are necessary to make a living.
But worldly obligations no less,
Am I making a living but missing a life?
Farther along still my soul wonders,
God am I where I am supposed to be?
Doing what I am supposed to be doing?
Living the life that I am supposed to be living?
I fear I am too tired, too confused and too hurt at this moment to know.
So what do we do when we cannot know, cannot be sure.
What do we do?
Sit and breathe sister,
Kind words from a friend.
She is right. I need to drop it all for a while.
It will be there tomorrow, or the next day,
Responsibilities always are.
Will it clear my head to push them to the periphery of my life, my mind, my heart for a while?
Well I guess we shall see.